Just Say No
Why is saying no so incredibly hard? Even as I write this, I know the deep reasons why it wrenches my soul. But it intrigues me how I can say no all day long to some things.
“Would you like Lobster or some other seafood delight?” No, thank you.
“Would you like to watch this surgery from the observation deck?” NO!
“Would you like to work with the Trump Campaign?” HELL NO!
Even a benign, “Do you want to meet for a late dinner?” would elicit a comfortable no.
But the ones that send me into complete freeze are the ones connected to a perceived sense of duty and responsibility. For someone to say to me, “this is your responsibility,” even when I know that it isn’t, sends me spiraling. Even when my intuition is screaming, I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS at full volume, I feel sick trying to get the words out of mouth.
What if I say no and they are disappointed in me?
What if I say no and it causes them great distress?
What if I say no and they no longer speak to me? No longer hire me? No longer ask me to join in?
What if I say no and I do not bring in the income I feel like I should be contributing to the family? What does that say about me? What burden does that put on my husband?
I observe my husband navigating the world easily saying no. He does not stay up nights worrying that he has hurt someone’s feelings or inconvenienced anymore. He says no kindly (unless really provoked), firmly, and without burden.
This morning I said no to a work engagement that did not respect my values, worth or time. Yet I couldn’t say no without also including profuse apologies to the innocent bystanders. I also sent a follow up email asking them not to contact me to ask me to change my mind because I was fearful that I would cave. But guess what? Despite all of this unnecessary angst, I said no. Not comfortably, but clearly. I got there by asking myself a few questions.
Does the way that this work is being offered align with my values, expertise, and worth? No.
Would saying no to this be hard on people that I value? Yes.
Would saying yes to this continue to collude with a broken system? Yes
Can I say yes and offer my assistance freely without resentment? No
Despite my regret of disappointing people I value, can I say no and live with myself? Yes.
Now that I have said no, I see that I am able to hold space for the sadness I feel in making someone’s life more challenging AND feel centered in my integrity, professional compass, and sense of self-worth.
Maybe no is like a new pair of jeans. Maybe they are stiff and uncomfortable until you wear and wash them enough to break them in. I’m committed to giving it a try. How about you?
